Letters to a Dead Man
by The Erumpent Horn
Summary: RLSB. Remus tells Harry the nature of his relationship with Sirius, after the latter's death. He then writes a letter to Sirius, to get his thoughts and feelings off his chest. Set just after OotP. One-shot.


**This is just a little fic that's been nagging at me for a while. I thought I may as well write it out. I know it's not the most original idea (you know, writing to dead people), but I really just wanted to do it. Set in OotP, Remus tells Harry the nature of his and Sirius' relationship, and then decides to write to his lost loved one.**

**I hope you enjoy it.**

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><p>Remus sighed quietly as he stared at the 15-year-old boy sitting at the table in front of him. Harry Potter's black hair was as messy as his father's once was, and his green eyes were just as piercing as his mother's. Both Remus and Harry had lost a very important person in their lives last week - Sirius Orion Black.<p>

"Harry, I know this is hard." Remus started. He winced at the glare he received from Harry.

"No, you don't."

Remus felt his heart break once more. "I know much more than you think I do. It wasn't just your loss last week. Sirius meant a lot to me too."

"He was the last person I truly considered to be my family, Professor – Remus." Harry said hollowly.

"Harry, it is not the same, but I hope that you can talk to me as freely as you could with him. And note this: I am an orphan too. Sirius was my last family also."

"You don't understand!" Harry exploded.

Remus felt his face grow hard as anger blossomed within him. "I understand a damn sight better than you think! I've known him since we were eleven! You have only grown close to him in the last two years. I have been one of his best friends for _twenty-five years_, Harry! Now you tell me I don't understand!" Remus was standing, watching the boy witheringly.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Harry yelled. He pointed his wand in Remus' face, his face bearing an expression of utmost hatred.

"You're not going to harm me." Remus said quietly. Harry kicked a chair aside. "I'm sorry for saying that to you. It was wrong of me. I know you cared very deeply about Sirius, but not as much as I."

"Really? Enlighten me." Harry said bitterly.

"Please sit, Harry. Now you must understand that you are the only other person, aside from your parents, that knows. I must ask that you don't repeat it, either." Harry nodded, so Remus saw fit to continue. "In our 5th Year, your father, Peter and… and Sirius all became Animagi to help me through the full moon period. They would stay with me and prevent me from harm. Sirius, in particular, was most helpful when it came to that. Not long after their transformations, Sirius and I became extraordinarily close. Almost as close as he and James were."

"I don't think I know where you're going with this, Remus." Harry said.

"One day, Harry, Sirius came up to the dormitory. I wished to be alone, so they all left me to my thoughts. Sirius kissed me. Somehow, he felt the same for me as I did for him. He loved me. Your mother was the first to notice the fleeting glances between myself and Sirius. Of course, she told James. Sirius and I shared a love that was as strong as theirs. I often swore that ours was even stronger." Remus broke off, laughing.

"You were a couple." It wasn't a question. Remus nodded. "Go on."

"We kept it a secret. It was very well kept, if I do say so myself. We moved in together, after we left school. We even got married! In secret, of course. Only James and Lily came. We were happy together, so happy. The year your parents died, however, was different. Everyone distanced themselves from me." Remus paused, sighed. "They thought it was me. They thought I was the spy, the traitor. When Peter vanished, and Sirius was arrested, I felt that I had lost everything. After all, everyone thought it was Sirius after that. I'm ashamed to say I believed them. I'd lost my best friends, and my husband. I trusted no one except Dumbledore. He looked after me, you know. I was a mess, and you saw it when I came back to Hogwarts to teach you."

"And then you discovered that Sirius was innocent." Harry interjected. Remus dabbed his eyes, realising as he did so, that Harry was doing the same.

"Yes. A week after I left, I sent an owl to Sirius. I invited him to live with me again. He accepted, but it took a few weeks before we could apologise to each other properly. Even then, we weren't completely sure where we stood with one another. Not until I couldn't handle it anymore and revealed that my feelings still hadn't changed. I still loved him. Merlin, I still do, Harry. We were never far apart after that, maybe you noticed? We were together almost all the time. Harry, Sirius was, and remains to be the love of my life. Death doesn't change a thing."

Harry stood and walked around the table to settle himself in the chair next to Remus'. Harry suddenly engulfed Remus in a tight embrace. The two men clung to each other, crying at Sirius Black's kitchen table. They stayed that way for a long time, until Remus gently disentangled himself.

"Remus, I'd like you to take his place. I'd like you to be my Godfather. He would like that, I think." Harry choked on his tears.

"Yes, I would be delighted to, Harry."

"Hold on, what's that?" Harry suddenly asked. Remus looked down at his chest, were Harry was pointing. The thin gold chain held both Remus and Sirius' wedding rings.

"They are the rings, Harry. We didn't tend to wear them on our fingers. In my case especially, it would have raised many questions. We preferred to keep things quiet. Sirius put his ring on this chain the day he died. He told me that he wanted me to have it, because he felt uneasy. I felt it too, but I tried to convince him to keep it, and he wouldn't. Just before we left, I had my last kiss with him. My last embrace with the man I loved. Harry, the only reason I am alive is because Sirius wanted me to stay and make sure that you were okay. He wanted me to protect you. He said my time would come." Remus stood up, patted Harry gently on the shoulder and walked out of the kitchen, to the bedroom he shared with Sirius.

The sheets still smelled like him. Remus had taken to holding Sirius' pillow, breathing in his scent. It wasn't the same. It never would be. He felt the hysteria bubbling in his chest again. It wasn't even like Sirius had remained to be a ghost. No, Remus was completely alone now. He took a deep breath, and then burst into a wave of fresh tears. Remus had hardly left his room in the past week, opting to stay in there and cry. It made him wonder how he had any tears left. He had an idea, suddenly. He would write it all down on parchment. He would write all his feelings, him dreams, _everything_.

Remus leapt up and off of the bed, crossing the room to the small desk he and Sirius had shared and rooted around inside the drawers for a fresh roll of parchment, a quill and some ink. He sat down on the spindly little chair and began to write.

_Sirius, my love –  
><em>_I miss you so much. I just told Harry about us, our relationship. We had argued over how he felt, because he thought he'd missed you more than I do. I explained everything then, but I was cruel, Sirius. I just couldn't hold back my temper. Maybe it's because the full moon is getting closer. It's not until next week, but that, coupled with your death… well; life is so much harder than it normally is. Now I have no one to share my furry little problem with._

_What is it like? Up in heaven, with James and Lily? It's good to know that you are with them again. I know you missed them so. Sirius, when will it be my time? I just can't bear the thought of living without you for too much longer. I cry every day, for hours on end. I've not just lost my husband; I've lost the love of my life, my best friend. I really hate you for leaving me like that. Sometimes it takes all the will power I have left not to go looking for your foul, evil, disgusting cousin. I know that I would either kill her, or she would kill me. It scares me, you know. I mean, not the thought of duelling Bellatrix, but just how happy it would make me if she got there first._

_See what you've done to me, Padfoot? I've never once been suicidal before, and now it's one of the main thoughts to go through my twisted little mind on a daily basis. I love you, Sirius and I miss you so much. Please come back to me, my love. I can't bear it without you here. Bloody Nymphadora keeps coming round here, trying to help me. I know why she's doing it, Pads. She wants me. But I don't want her, I want you. _

_Godric, help me. It's so hard to not have you here, kissing my neck, biting that sensitive spot, the way only you ever did. I miss your crappy jokes, especially the serious/Sirius one. I'm chuckling now while I write, because no matter how many millions of times you said it, while we were in school, once we'd left, when we were reunited again, I always found that damn pun hilarious. Oh Sirius, I just want you to come back. I want to fall asleep in your arms again, listening to your heartbeat. I want to feel you kiss me again. _

_I don't know what to do with myself any more. I'm barely even eating now, Sirius. I've had two meals since you died nine days ago. I've only been drinking water because it's being forced down my throat. No one has had the heart to come round since you died, except Nymphadora and Dumbledore. Nymphadora's hair isn't bubble-gum pink any more, by the way. Since I've told her I don't want her company, it's become an awful mousy brown. It annoys me that I am the reason for that. But it doesn't matter, she still comes round to irritate me, and beg for my company. She says that you wouldn't want me to mope, that you'd want me to go out, and live, love and laugh again. I reckon she has the first bit right – you _wouldn't _want me to mope. But I can't imagine you telling me to love anyone else. Not in the way I love you._

_I never stopped loving you, you know? Even when I thought you had betrayed James and Lily, I loved you. I tried so hard to hate you. I tried to forget, and go with other women, other men. But none of them were you. And then that night in the shrieking shack, when I discovered your innocence, I thought I would explode. I was desperate to not knock you to the ground and shag you there and then. I knew, though, I think. When we hugged again after those twelve years, I felt it. Nothing had changed for me, and I was damn certain the same went for you. Only, I wanted you to admit it. When we made love again, after thirteen years, it was like you had never gone._

_I love you so much, Sirius, more than my own life. I miss you, my darling. I hope to see you soon. Oh, Merlin, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!_

_Sirius, my love, I love you with all my heart, and all my soul._

_I will be yours forever.  
>Remus.<em>

Remus set down the quill, reading his letter to Sirius. A month ago, if he knew what was to happen to Sirius, he would have owled Harry every day, hell, every hour if he had to. He would have ensured that Harry did not go to the Department of Mysteries. He felt guilty for blaming Harry, but he knew that if Harry had not gone looking for Sirius at the Ministry, Sirius would still be alive today. Remus sighed and lay down on the bed again, breathing in Sirius' scent. He fell asleep, wishing that it was his husband in his arms, not just a pillow that smelled like him.

Remus awoke hours later. There was a scroll of parchment next to his head, and it had Sirius' handwriting on it. He sat up, not taking his eyes off of the parchment. For nearly ten minutes, Remus stared at the parchment, hardly daring to touch it. And then he made up his mind. He unwound the roll. It was a letter from his dead love. It was his handwriting and the familiar scrawl made his heart leap. He read the letter, trying to keep his tears at bay.

_My Remus,  
><em>_I miss you too, my love. It's not too bad up here. James and Lily are happy, but they miss Harry. I miss him too. We're all just glad that you are still around to watch over him. I'm glad you told him, Moony. Be there for him like I tried to be. _

_Remus, please don't cry any more. I love you more than anything, and I don't think I could stand it if you carried on crying. And bloody eat something! I'll never forgive you if you die of malnutrition. Sweetheart, it is not your time yet, nor will it be for a while. Don't go looking for death, my love, let it come to you. I have lost, too. I no longer get to hold you while you sleep and say to myself yet again how I am the luckiest wizard to ever have lived. Trust me, I hate the fact that I left you, too. Then again, I always suspected that someone from my so-called family would kill me. Again, I tell you, don't go looking for death – and that includes my cousin._

_Remus, sweetheart, don't be suicidal. That scares me. Yes, I can still feel fear, even in death. I love you so much, but I don't want you to die yet. You still have so much time. You need to interact with people more, Moony. You really shouldn't hide yourself away. Why don't you go and visit Molly? She was always so kind to you – though she never liked me much, eh?_

_I wish I was there with you. I want to make love to you again. I want to kiss your neck, because I know you love it. And as for my jokes, I haven't felt much like telling them. James keeps trying to coax them out of me, but Lily tells him to leave me be. They know how much I miss you. And they say hello by the way. James says to hang on in there, that he can't wait to see you again, but not to go all suicidal. Lily just says she misses you, and sends her love._

_Why don't you talk to Dumbledore? He could use your help, I think, Remus. Hmm, as for Nymphadora, she's got a point. You should start living again. I would never normally say this, and you know it, but give her a try. You're lonely, and she could help try and heal the hole I've left behind. You could love her, Remus. I know you could. She loves you already, my love. Merlin, I miss you._

_As for your love, I know that. I never stopped loving you either. I so hoped that you would figure it out about Peter. Godric knows you should have. I thought you would be married by the time I got out, but you were still alone. And you were at Hogwarts! I remember that night so clearly. That hug made me feel like I was suddenly safe again. I hoped you still loved me after all that time, after my stint in Azkaban. And then you cornered me, demanding to know my feelings. Ha, that was the third greatest day of my life. The first was when we first got together, and finally admitted our feelings for each other. The second was our wedding day. Oh Remus, I wish I had a fucking time turner. I'd have killed dear old Bella before she could get to me first. Then I could have saved all the heartache. _

_I love you, Remus. I wish I could be back down there with you, and I wish James and Lily could come with me if I did. Then everything could be how it was before. The Marauders reunited once more. By the way, could you congratulate Fred and George on my behalf? I'm proud of those freaky twins; they did us justice, eh? Could you imagine if they were at school the same time we were? That would have been brilliant. Or, actually, we probably would have been expelled. I heard that they actually had a detention drawer to themselves in Filch's office. Brilliant, aren't they?_

_Merlin, Remus. I love you so much, and I miss you as much as I love you. I hope to see you soon, my love. In the meantime, I think you should give Dora a chance. It would be good for you to have a companion._

_I know it is hard, my love. I can only hope that you find a way to make it through your misery. I love you so much, Remus John Lupin. Never forget that._

_I will be yours for all of eternity, even if you decide you no longer want me when it is your time to die._

_All of my love,  
>Sirius Orion Black, aka Padfoot.<em>

Remus burst into tears again. He clutched the parchment close to his chest as he sobbed over his lost love and the advice that he was given. He took solace in the fact that Sirius was with James and Lily. He wasn't alone, unlike Remus. And that stupid, beautiful mongrel wanted him to give Nymphadora a chance? Hmm, he had no choice now. Remus got a fresh piece of parchment to write a reply to Sirius' letter.

_Sirius, my darling –_

_I will congratulate the twins. Give Lily and James my love, and tell them I can't wait to see them again one day._

_I will give Nymphadora a chance, I guess. But I will only do it because you want me to. Because I will never stop loving you, Sirius, and you will always have my heart. Ha, as if I could want anyone else but you! Chance would be a fine thing, my love._

_I love you, Padfoot.  
>Remus John Black, née Lupin. <em>

_P.S: I'll be counting the days until I see you again, my love._

Remus could hardly believe that he was trying to have the last word with Sirius. He could also hardly believe that he was writing, and receiving, letters to a dead man.

He folded Sirius' letter carefully, and put it in the box of his most treasured items – many of them from Sirius. He left the reply to his husband on the desk in the corner of the room, and walked back to the bed. He climbed in carefully, holding Sirius' pillow against him and fell asleep.

He dreamed of Sirius' smiling face, and sweet kisses.

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><p><strong>I hope you liked it. I may end up doing a sequel to this, I don't know yet. Keep a lookout on my profile anyways, just in case. <strong>

**Lottie.**


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